


Before I Forget Blue

by Jennifer-Oksana (JenniferOksana)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, Madness, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-24 21:30:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4936036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferOksana/pseuds/Jennifer-Oksana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never invest all your love in one person.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before I Forget Blue

I’m in the barewhite room again, Scully, and you’re not here you’re gone they

took you and they won’t bring you back because I can’t get you for they’ve  
locked me up in the room with no colors, just the white white walls and the  
nasty fluorescent light and antiseptic hospital smell and I’m all alone with  
me.

Help me, Scully. I’m lost.

They give me pills and they force me to swallow them down the hatch Mr.  
Mulder. I know they’re only speeding up my insanity so that any impartial  
witness, if there’s even such a thing, will be frightened by my drugged and  
aggravated appearance. I don’t have any hope of escape– except you– or  
perhaps, by discontinuing the pills. But I can’t figure out a way to do it  
and I don’t have enough time.

Really, this room is enough to make anyone go crazy. It’s so white and so bare  
and empty. I can’t even get a crayon to write with. Did you know boredom  
catalyzes madness, Scully? It does. Even without the pills, I feel myself  
slipping. If it weren’t for you, my need to save you from them, I’d be  
completely mad now.

Oh, God, how I depend on you even when you’re not here, Scully. I’d write  
poetry on the walls about you if they’d let me, but they won’t. They won’t  
let me do anything for myself anymore because I might “hurt myself.” You  
should see the little thing they send in for me. This nurse, she’s a pretty  
little blonde thing about twenty-five, and she’s scared shitless. They  
probably force her here. She shaves me and feeds me. I try to talk to her but  
she won’t talk to me, why won’t she, Scully? I’m alone and I’m scared in the  
barewhite room. And you’re gone. They took you.

I can only count weeks with therapy sessions. Every Saturday two orderlies,  
big mean fucking ugly bastards; they drag me to the only place left with  
color I ever see any more. And that is Dr. Werber’s office. Oh he knows all  
about me and you and you and me. He must be psychic. No. They were  
surveilling us. They watched us. How dare they? Oh, if you were here, Scully,  
you’d be so angry but you’re gone. They took you away again and it hurts so  
bad, Scully. Scully, I’d do anything if they’d only have taken me not you.

Werber asks all the same questions again and again. He’s looking for a method  
to my madness. I keep telling him over and over that it’s the pills,  
exacerbated by the cruel isolationist methods of this institution. We never  
speak of the barewhite room but he knows that’s where they hold me, caged  
like a tiger. I swear I saw him looking in my cell during a dream. All my  
visitors come during the dreams. I saw Skinner and your mom and my mom  
looking in the cell one night. Your mom was screaming at me, right at me, you  
killed my baby girl, Fox, Fox you killed my baby girl! If it had been real,  
not a dream, I would have told her the truth. They took you because of me,  
and it’s eating me alive, but you’re not dead, Scully. I believe that with  
all that can believe in me. With all my soul, I know you’re alive and that  
somewhere, somehow, I will find you.

Oh, this room! I’m so tired of this barewhite room without windows or doors.  
I haven’t seen blue in forever, Scully. I’m forgetting blue, except the blue  
of your eyes. They were blue like the bluest sea, truer and more beautiful  
than the sky. I miss blue. I miss your eyes, how they stared and glared at  
me.

Scully, I’m so afraid. I might go crazy. Some nights, I scream because I can’t  
go anywhere. I can’t think any more. They finally have me trapped in their  
world, in the dark slimy belly of their serpent world. They’ve convinced the  
world that black is white and stop is go and I’d stop them, and you too, but  
they’ve disappeared us and we’re gone. So gone. So long.

Matters are getting desperate. The next Saturday, I must try to escape. I may  
have to kill Werber. I don’t want to, but I can’t stay here any longer. Not  
if I want to maintain any hope of sanity. Scully, please be with me. I can’t  
do it without you.

The big men drag me down the hall to where Werber waits on Saturdays and he  
starts again with the questions. Where’s Agent Scully? I don’t know, Dr.  
Werber. You people took her. He stares me deep in the eyes. Fox. Where’s her  
body? I don’t know. Why is he asking me these questions? You disappeared I  
don’t know where or when. Then a big terrifying thought hits me. They’re  
talking about your impostor. The phony you. They’re trying to trick me!

See, when they made you disappear, Scully, they left another you in your  
place. Because you would never come to my apartment like she did that awful  
rainy night. She kissed me full on the lips, came on to me like you had  
before, but never with so much ardor. We’ve kissed and made love before, of  
course, but not like that night. She was just like a succubus. She took a  
little coaxing though, she wanted to talk, but I kissed her and kissed her  
and then she attacked me with that body of hers! Oh! God! I thought it was  
you, Scully, and it took my breath away. I’ve never loved you so much.

I start telling this to Werber in a big rushing downpour of words and he  
starts scribbling on a pad and pushing a little button. I see him. I know  
what he’s doing. But I’m laughing, Scully, because Werber doesn’t know I’m  
getting out of here. He can’t hold me. Not even this straitjacket can hold  
me, because I love you. Love conquers everything and I love you so very much.

She said those very words. The impostor you. She said I love you Mulder in  
your very voice and my heart was just boiling over with love. I had thoughts  
like love you… die for you… then she fucked up fatally, Scully. She said  
that she was leaving. For real. I can’t do this any more, Fox. Scully, see,  
she wasn’t even a good you! She called me FOX! You’d never ever call me Fox.  
And then she was gonna walk right out that door and never come back, without  
one more word.

I’m nobody’s fool. She got a big surprise when I shot her in the back. I  
watched her fall to the floor and stood over her while she gasped like a fish  
and cried big alligator tears and bled the reddest blood. Red blood almost as  
red as your hair– of course nothing can be such a true red– and made this  
bubbling, gurgling sounds when I demanded to know where you were. I couldn’t  
stand it when she didn’t tell me, she just lied. I did to her what I should  
have done to that smoking bastard and Alex Krycek. I shot her again, right in  
the leg. She screamed then, and oh they did a good job with the little bitch.  
It was your scream, Scully!

I asked her again where you were and she just cried and moaned and screamed  
and I finally lost all my control. I bent down to her little body– oh, so  
very much like you– and I just put my hands around her delicate white  
throat, and I– oh, God, Scully, it was awful. She looked just like you! But  
when she finally stopped moving and lay there, I looked real close and she  
wasn’t. Not you. A fake. An imitation.

Werber is screaming fairy-tale nonsense words at me, where is her body,  
Mulder? Mulder, there was no fake Scully, you killed your partner, you’ve  
lost your mind, but I’m sure he’s lying. You would have told me that it was  
you. I would have known. You would never leave me, would you, Scully? Not by  
your own choice. I tell Werber as much. He shrieks.

You! Killed! Her! She decided to leave you and you snapped! You killed her  
and you’ve dumped the body! Where is it, Fox? It’s so silly, Scully, isn’t  
it? He acts as though he believes himself. I laugh because I know it’s time.  
No more questions, no more barewhite room. I’m going to find you. I jump  
across the desk and knock Werber into the observation mirror. Lots more force  
than he thought, ha.

The mirror cracked from side to side. I scream and laugh. Your mother is  
there. In the other room. Skinner, Spender, Mom, doctors. All watching me. I  
run for the door and freedom, but the big men are there. They have me on the  
floor, and Skinner hollers you crazy son of a bitch you killed her there  
wasn’t any impostor, you killed her and dumped the body! Where?

Scully, I need your help. Please tell them you’re not dead, and that she was  
an impostor. You know you’re everything to me, that I’d never hurt you. I  
didn’t do anything to you. I never would. It was an impostor, a fake Scully I  
gave away to the deep blue sea, down with the fishes, an unfair peace for the  
liar. Tell them. I don’t like it when your mom cries.

I need you! They came and they took you and you’re gone and I’m alone. The big  
men are taking me back to the barewhite room and if I go back there, I’ll go  
crazy! Help me! I can’t go back! Make them stop! Scully!

Scully! But you can’t answer; they’ve got you locked up away in their testing  
rooms and me locked up in their crazy house. Please, please, please, I can’t  
do it this time. You have to rescue me, away from all the white walls and  
angry voices. Scully, please, before I forget the color blue…

 


End file.
